


yearning

by oswinne



Category: Wanna One (Band)
Genre: Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Blow Jobs, Canon Compliant, Chair Sex, Dream Sex, Internalized Homophobia, Light Angst, M/M, Wet Dream, probably overuse of the word baby
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-29
Updated: 2018-09-29
Packaged: 2019-07-18 15:52:30
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,663
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16121771
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/oswinne/pseuds/oswinne
Summary: Atop that cursed pyramid is one of the only things Jihoon has ever desired yet found to be excruciatingly outside his grasp.Not for the first time, he wonders whether it is the prestigious seat itself he yearns for, or the person sitting in it.Jihoon's subconscious won't let him repress his feelings for Daniel any longer. (He still tries, though.)





	yearning

**Author's Note:**

> lowkey thought I might have been experiencing pwp burnout after only two (2) fics but false alarm I guess, because here I am with 5k of the stuff.. that being said, this didn't go how I expected it to so...I guess we'll see uwu ♡♡
> 
> Kei - if you're reading this, I tried to make Jihoon's angsting a little less ridiculous but if you still laugh dw so did I ♡
> 
> **in the interests of absolute clarity, all the rated content occurs in the mind of an adult jihoon, between an adult jihoon and an adult daniel

_“There are so many things_

_I’m not allowed to tell you._

_I touch myself, I dream._

_Wearing your clothes or_

_standing in the shower for over an hour,_

_pretending that this skin is your skin,_

_these hands your hands.”_

-

r. s

 

Jihoon has always believed in the importance of dreams, be they aspiration or subconscious fantasy. He knows there must be a reason behind his recurring dreams of late, but he struggles to put his finger on it. Struggles to determine just why the realm of sleep continues to take him back to what used to be the stuff of his nightmares over a year ago.

****

Produce 101 finale night.

****

In the small snatches of sleep Jihoon had gotten in the lead up to that momentous day, he’d been forced by his subconscious to face his greatest of fears; public humiliation on national television, the devastation of elimination, every possible scenario that could have gone wrong to rob him of the dream that was finally within grasp of his fingertips.

****

It hadn’t happened; dream - or rather, nightmare - hadn’t turned reality. So he wonders why now, at the height of their group’s success, his subconscious mind has chosen to take him back there.

****

Perhaps it’s been lying in wait. Biding its time until Jihoon’s head hit the pillow in anticipation of the first restful sleep he’s had in months courtesy of Chuseok break, as opposed to the way they have all been crashing into bed at the end of their long schedules, immediately falling into a dreamless sleep that sees them waking in what feels like an instant.

****

Though all similar enough in nature, he can’t help but feel that all his dreams of the past few nights have been progressing towards something. Each a little longer, just a little different in some indistinguishable way to the last.

****

Hell if Jihoon knows what that something is, though.

****

In each he is standing on the podium, taking steps towards the pyramid that formed the centrepiece of every ranking evaluation. He feels as if he is moving through syrup, as if the apprehensive atmosphere is tangible enough in the air around him to slow his movement to a crawl. Sometimes, the crowd around him is jeering; other times deathly silent as they watch; and still yet, in some iterations they are completely absent, leaving Jihoon alone in his steady trek onwards and upwards.

****

Similarly, the numbered seats above and beside him are vacant more often that not. It’s lonely but Jihoon fears just who or what would fill them if they weren’t; just how they might regard him, just what he might see in their eyes as he walks, and walks, and walks.

****

He never reaches the top.

****

The few times he has been able to maneuver himself to look up, he hasn’t been able to even see the peak.

****

No catastrophic event ever disturbs his journey, but some nights he wishes it would. There is something terrifying enough about the emptiness and uncertainty that surrounds him in that dreamscape. It leaves Jihoon classifying it as a nightmare rather than something more benign. It leaves him hoping that his return to the dorm will ward the recurring dreams away.

****

It turns out that he is wrong; his first night back in the dorm after the short break away proves to be more catalytic than anything else.

****

It feels as if he falls into the dream almost as soon as he closes his eyes. This time he instantly senses that there is a difference; no longer feeling like he is looking, moving, thinking through a fog, everything is so sharp it leaves him unsettled and unsteady.

****

His movements are now slowed only by his own nervous apprehension, existing only in the sweat on his brow and the tremble of his hands, no longer manifest in the environment around him.

****

It almost feels real.

****

As he advances, he finds himself unable to look behind him, to check if the audience is there to watch his every move in spite of making no noise. His heart thuds as he ascends the steps, the silence of the studio emphasising the slightest of sounds; from his muffled footfall to the hitch of his breath as he looks above him to his destination.

****

This is the first time he can see it clearly; the first time the first place seat no longer evades him. Evades his gaze, at least.

****

Atop that cursed pyramid is one of the only things Jihoon has ever desired yet found to be excruciatingly outside his grasp.

****

Not for the first time, he wonders whether it is the prestigious seat itself he yearns for, or the person sitting in it.

****

Somewhere along the way the line has blurred. Somewhere along the way, Jihoon has lost the ability to distinguish what it was that left him dry-mouthed and fidgeting with his uniform whenever he fixed his eyes upon that first place, coveted position. Whether the heat that rushed over him was a manifestation of anxious ambition, jealousy or something else just as primal ー he doesn't know.

****

Whichever it is, the sight of Kang Daniel seated there, legs spread, hands curled over the arms of the throne, sends Jihoon’s pulse racing.

****

The Daniel sitting there, however, is not the one from finale night; in spite of the uniform, this is not that same pink-haired, soft, eye-smiling Daniel who stole the hearts of the nation almost on accident.

****

This Daniel is the one Jihoon has glimpsed only fleetingly; more often on stage than off it. This Daniel is all dark eyes and coiled muscle; power thrumming through him like electricity, around him like an aura fit for a king.

****

This is the Kang Daniel that can and will bring a nation to its knees ー and Jihoon is no exception.

****

The closer he gets, the more it feels as if his blood is boiling, burning white hot as it courses through his veins and it brings with it a new terror; that he may now be on the precipice of the catastrophe Jihoon had so longed for.

****

Jihoon has never harboured any ill will towards Daniel for winning the number one spot.

****

He wonders if his dream knows that.

****

Because, with Daniel staring him down and every step of Jihoon’s getting bolder, this feels like the makings of an explosive confrontation.

****

Dreams do not abide by the rules of the natural world, and Jihoon fears that the roaring in his ears heralds a violent showdown the likes of which he has never imagined, never wanted even in his darkest thoughts.

****

This dream that has been plaguing him all week could just as easily place a weapon in his hand as it had manipulated the occupants of the studio.

****

Jihoon doesn’t want to hurt Daniel, not even in a dream.

****

But in a dream, he may not be able to control it.

****

The eye contact they share is tense, like a wire pulled taut and Jihoon struggles to decipher whether the recognition that flickers in Daniel’s gaze infers invitation or condemnation. Whichever it is, it is potent and the mere suggestion of it threatens to overwhelm him.

****

When Jihoon’s final step takes him right in front of the other man, Daniel stands so that they're toe to toe, chest to chest, and their height difference has never been so evident, so intimidating as now.

****

Suddenly, Daniel lifts a hand to grab at the knot of Jihoon’s tie and Jihoon braces for the feeling of a fist in his gut or the sensation of being tossed down the stairs. Instead he receives an impact he hadn't been prepared for; Daniel tugging him forward to bring their lips together in a heart-stopping kiss.

****

As it turns out, Jihoon’s dream _does_ know what he wants. Even if, in the waking world, Jihoon has given all effort to deny it.

****

To deny the crush that he has harboured yet endeavoured to mislabel as hero-worship, as respect, as affection for a friend. He can lie to himself and when it comes down to it, he can lie to others, but his subconscious mind will not do him the favour of reflecting that lie back in the quiet of the night.

****

He has quashed those feelings down, repeatedly, with all the strength left in him at the end of a wearying day. The court of public opinion lends a helping hand. Self-condemnation is what turns the key in the lock.

****

Yet it is with an equivalent strength that the secret compartment in his heart is ripped open; and all that comes flooding out conspires to create its own reality within the confines of Jihoon’s mind.

****

The water pressure has been building. For years, it has been mounting before it even found a figurehead.

****

At the crest of the tidal wave rides the temptation to finally give in. It crashes upon him in the form of Kang Daniel himself, mere figment though he may be.

****

It's with a bruising force that Daniel has made his move and it is either the shock, or the tie, or both, that threatens to choke Jihoon, but however out of the blue this seems, the sturdy arm that winds itself around his waist gives him the distinct impression that Daniel is laying claim to what he wants, what is _his_.

****

And Jihoon is kissing back, just as eager, just as intent on receiving what is apparently his for the taking; Daniel’s attention, Daniel’s attraction, Daniel’s tongue in his mouth.

****

Jihoon’s hands have found their way to the lapels of Daniel’s unbuttoned uniform jacket, holding on for dear life as Daniel kisses him with all the ferocity of a gathering storm.

****

Jihoon tries to give as good, to give as much, as he gets by pressing as close to Daniel as possible. He can feel the warmth of Daniel’s broad chest seeping through his white shirt and grinds up against him almost without thinking, when Daniel sinks his teeth into Jihoon’s plump lower lip.

****

Daniel’s hand has loosened Jihoon’s tie to bare his Adam’s apple and Daniel dips to lay a kiss there, graze his teeth there. When Jihoon swallows, the movement is memorised by Daniel’s lips even as he seeks to divest Jihoon of his blazer, pushing it off his shoulders one at a time until it falls at their feet, unheeded. Then, with Jihoon gathered in his arms, Daniel is leaning back, easing down into the first place throne and bringing Jihoon with him, onto his lap.

****

Letting go of Daniel’s jacket, Jihoon loops his arms around Daniel’s neck, tilting his head and rocking his hips out of instinct; his body doing whatever it can to be closer, to get more friction, to take more of what Daniel is giving him. Daniel’s hands are on his ass, thumbs kneeding, fingers digging in whenever Jihoon’s tongue does something that takes him by surprise.

****

Straddling Daniel’s thighs like this, Jihoon no longer has any interest in sitting anywhere else. He couldn’t care less about the first place position, or the second, or any beyond that. All he cares about is having Daniel underneath him, Daniel’s arms around him, Daniel’s hard on grinding against his own through their uniform.

****

Even if this is just a dream, the concept of Daniel and him making out with an almost savage passion at the peak of the pyramid that had been designed to pit them against each other, feels revolutionary.

****

It feels like the biggest _fuck you_ of his life; to all the netizens who love to tear him down, to the industry that forces him to hide parts of himself deemed unfit for public life, for public consumption.

****

It’s a _fuck you_ to the company executives who’d wanted to prepare him for failure and it’s a _fuck you_ to the loathing he’d rained down upon himself for ever daring to fix his eyes on someone like Kang Daniel.

****

When they pull apart, it is Daniel who has fixed his eyes on _him_ and the pure adoration, the raw _want_ that Jihoon sees there makes him shudder. The _fuck you_ that has been resounding in Jihoon’s head swiftly transforms into a vehement _fuck me_.

****

Whether it’s because the dream bends to Jihoon’s wishes or because Daniel always knows what Jihoon needs no matter what, Jihoon suddenly finds their positions flipped. He is now the one collapsed into the seat, trousers and underwear discarded somewhere, knees pushed apart.

****

His legs are spread, hooked over the arms of the throne, and he is entirely bared to Daniel; everything on show, from his erect and leaking cock to his pink, puckered hole, to his total unabashed desire for Daniel to take him.

****

He shivers, exposed to both the cool air and Daniel's heated gaze and the man above him, still fully clothed, is taking his time relishing the view. He stoops to kneel between Jihoon's legs, pressing wet, maddening kisses in a haphazard pattern up from his knees to the flesh of Jihoon's inner thighs and no matter that he can see Daniel's every move, each kiss still draws a stuttered breath from Jihoon all the same.

****

Yet Daniel resolutely avoids where Jihoon wants him the most, causing the latter to beg for something, _anything._

****

“Hyung, please--”

****

“Please what?" Daniel asks feigning innocence as he leans his cheek on Jihoon's thigh, looking up at the boy whom he is slowly but surely wearing down into acute desperation.

****

“Please just- put your hands on me, do anything-- please.”

****

“How about my mouth?”

****

Jihoon doesn't have time to process even the idea of Daniel's mouth on his cock before it happens. Daniel runs his tongue along one of the more prominent veins on the underside of Jihoon's cock; experimenting, testing just how sensitive he is andー

****

He gets his answer when Jihoon practically mewls as his previously untouched cock gets a taste of the attention he's been craving.

****

Daniel moves up to the head of Jihoon's cock, lapping up the leaking precome with short, kitten licks that would have had Jihoon complaining that Daniel was too much of a tease if the latter hadn't subsequently taken Jihoon's length into his mouth.

****

If this was real life, maybe Jihoon would come just from that but he makes his first attempt at lucid dreaming in order to will himself back from the edge, ignoring the fact that if this was real life Daniel wouldn't have his mouth on Jihoon's dick at all, let alone be giving Jihoon the best blowjob of his life. Not that clumsy high school fumbling is an especially golden standard for oral sex but Jihoon's certain anything after this won't compare either. Which isn't fair because this isn't even _real_.

****

He’s distracted from that inconvenient fact when he feels the head of his cock hit the back of Daniel's throat and fuck, fuck, fuck why is Kang Daniel so good at every damn thing.

****

Jihoon's hands have wound their way into Daniel's hair and he resists the urge to hold Daniel's head still and simply fuck that glorious mouth of his. But before his sanity can wear too thin, Daniel is pulling off Jihoon's cock with a pop, smirk temporarily obscured by the back of his hand as he wipes it of saliva and Jihoon's precome.

****

Then he's leaning in again to press a featherlight kiss to Jihoon's sensitive hole. When he draws back he has a raised eyebrow, a question in his eyes.

****

Jihoon nearly gives himself a concussion from knocking his skull against the back of the throne whilst nodding so hard.

****

Whatever Daniel has to offer, Jihoon wants it.

****

However, he's caught by surprise when he sees Daniel reach into the pocket of his trousers and retrieve a sachet of lube and what looks to be a condom. Jihoon's almost proud of his subconscious for prioritising safe sex even in this most unrealistic of scenarios but instead he is too busy combating the thought of Daniel keeping these things with him during the show.

****

Jihoon squeezes his eyes shut trying to stop himself from imagining who Daniel might have been fucking during filming ー another trainee? One of their pretty stylist noonas? Because it sure as hell wasn't Jihoon…

****

That train wreck of a thought is stopped in its tracks when Jihoon feels a slick, lubed fingertip slowly circle his rim. Jihoon opens his eyes to find Daniel watching him intently, waiting for a sign.

****

The patience of the other man makes Jihoon want to kiss him, so he does, but not without murmuring a good-natured _“Hurry up,"_ against his lips.

****

The noise he makes when Daniel obliges is immediately swallowed by Daniel himself as he kisses Jihoon through the initial discomfort; languidly, almost romantically.

****

Once he's adjusted to the first, Jihoon parts their lips in order to ask for another. Daniel brushes his thumb along Jihoon's lower lip, light at first and then firmer, pressing against the seam of his lips as he demands in a low voice, _“Open up.”_

****

Jihoon is more than happy to obey, parting his lips to take Daniel's thumb into the heat of his mouth, tongue swirling across the rough skin, cheeks hollowing as he sucks, gently at first and then in earnest as Daniel eases a second finger into Jihoon's hole with his other hand.

****

The sight of Jihoon's eagerness pulls a groan from Daniel. “God, that's super hot Jihoon…you're so fucking hot you don't even know. Imagine if all those fans who call you cute could see you now…”

****

Even though this is all a dream, Daniel's words remind him of the cameras; of just how many people were watching the night Wanna One became one…of just how many people might be watching him and Daniel do the same.

****

“They'd be fighting over you even more than they are already…It could get ugly when they find out that the only one who can see you like this is me. Isn't that right, Jihoon? Your cute little hole can only be mine?” Daniel withdraws his thumb to allow Jihoon the ability to respond.

****

“Yes- _ah_ \- only you, only yours," Jihoon emphatically agrees as Daniel adds a third finger, stretching him open.

****

“No one else?” Daniel crooks his fingers.

****

“ _Ah!_ N-never, just you.”

****

Still, there is that urge to prove himself. He wants to prove to Daniel just how good he can make him feel; wants to show Daniel and anyone else watching just how well he can take Daniel's cock.

****

“I know you… _fuck_ ," Jihoon's breathing is ragged and when Daniel starts scissoring his fingers he almost forgets what he was going to say. “I know you know how much I want you so, God, just fuck me already, hyung.”

****

“Only if you know you can take it," Daniel murmurs. “Are you ready to take me Jihoon?”

****

“Always," Jihoon garbles in his effort to persuade Daniel into further action. “I'm always ready for you hyung, you just have to decide when you want me. You just have to pick me.”

****

At that, Daniel's eyes have darkened and Jihoon swallows as he watches Daniel stand to unzip his trousers, to finally relieve the pressure on the erection that has been hidden from Jihoon's sight until now.

****

As Daniel's garments fall around his ankles, Jihoon blushes red, embarrassed to wonder if Daniel is really like that or if it is just Jihoon's subconscious that has imagined him to be that…big. If the real Daniel were to get a boner in public or on stage when endowed like that, well, Jihoon is sure there'd be no hiding it.

****

Not that he'd be looking.

****

But he is looking, he's looking now and he wonders if the way Daniel is stroking himself to full hardness is helped along by Jihoon's wide-eyed, clearly impressed gaze.

****

He wants it inside him, _now,_ and if Jihoon licks his lips it must be because even in a dream he has forgotten to apply lip balm and not because there's a hunger rearing its head within him that can only be satisfied by being stuffed full of Daniel's cock.

****

Hands gripping the arms of the throne above Jihoon's knees, Daniel leans over Jihoon as he guides himself in and just the head is making Jihoon feel _so much_ that he's not sure he could take it all without the praises Daniel is whispering against his skin as he presses opened mouth kisses along his neck and under the collar of his shirt.

****

In the heat of skin and the burn of the stretch, Jihoon begins to forget what he had always held close until now; Jihoon begins to forget that this is a dream.

****

He forgets that the Daniel who is holding him close and pushing into him ever so slowly, ever so adoringly, is merely a figment of his own imagination.

****

As far as Jihoon is concerned, it is his Daniel who starts to move inside him. It is his Daniel who he is intimately entangled with. It is his Daniel who, in the care of his hands as well as his cock, is making Jihoon feel not only desired but adored.

****

Making Jihoon feel loved.

****

Jihoon's hands fly up to grasp at the back of the throne behind him, wrapping around the spikes of the crown in pursuit of purchase as Daniel pulls out and drives back in, pulls out and drives back in, pulls out and-- Jihoon chokes out a cry when he feel the head of Daniel's cock brush against his prostate.

****

At Jihoon's reaction, Daniel looks extremely pleased with himself, exercising control over his hips with the finesse of a dancer as he teases that spot, avoids it when Jihoon's whimpers start getting too loud - as if to emphasise that what Jihoon wants is very much outside his grasp and very much within Daniel's. The latter lifts his hands from where they were gripping the arms of the chair and lays them atop Jihoon's where they are clutching the back of the throne.

****

He uses his grip as leverage to put more power behind each thrust, fucking into Jihoon harder and deeper and just the way that has Jihoon moaning loud and clear, as continuous as breathing.

****

“Tell me how I'm making you feel," Daniel invites, showing no sign of slowing his pace.

****

“I can feel- _hah_ \- you're so deep I can feel the shape of you inside me." Words are almost beyond him now but Jihoon will try his best for Daniel. “Ten out of fucking ten," he gasps out and is rewarded with a pleased laugh.

****

“That’s not sarcasm is it, baby? Be careful, you're playing with fire here.”

****

The pet name sends an electric shock zapping down his spine. “Shit, do that again.”

****

“Do what?”

****

“Call me baby.”

****

“You like that do you, baby?”

****

_Fuck_ , Jihoon involuntarily curls his toes at the pleasure of being branded Daniel's baby. He wants to replay it over and over again. Breathing shallowly, Jihoon bites his lip and nods.

****

Jihoon might dominate the stage and take the lead where others dither, he might have no qualms about calling out bullshit when he sees it and rarely hesitates to take matters into his own hands, but fuck if he doesn't just want to be somebody's baby sometimes. Daniel's baby.

****

The man in question is now making a point of punctuating his words with each thrust of his hips and Jihoon's fairly certain it's going to kill him.

****

“Tell me again, who's my baby?”

****

“Me," Jihoon gasps out, voice no more than a hoarse whisper. “It's me.”

****

“That's right, so good for me baby, I'm going to make you feel so good,” Daniel promises and Jihoon believes him, because right now he feels as if he is being split apart and made whole again at the same time and it has him riding on a high like nothing he’s ever felt before.

****

He can’t think outside the way Daniel is making him feel, the way Daniel is ramming into him over and over; filling and stretching and thrusting until Jihoon is seeing stars.

****

Stars other than Daniel, that is.

****

The both of them are growing louder, less controlled, and the slapping of skin and the overwhelmed exclamations are bouncing off the walls, transforming the empty studio in an echo chamber of pleasure.

****

With Daniel fucking into him in earnest, Jihoon’s vocabulary is significantly compromised; all he knows how to do is say Daniel’s name and curse up a storm in a vain attempt to articulate the way Daniel is pulling him apart at the seams.

****

“Fuck- Daniel, fuck, fuck, yes-- _yes_ -!”

****

He can feel his orgasm building, abdomen coiling tight. Daniel’s speaking over him, can probably tell that Jihoon is on the edge of completely losing it.

****

“Shit, you’re so good, baby. You’re so fucking good.”

****

It’s exactly what Jihoon wants to hear.

****

“I love fucking you like this, taking you apart until I’m all you can think about.”

****

He’s close. So close his vision is already starting to blur at the edges, until all he can see is Daniel and all he can hear is Daniel’s praise.

****

“I love the way you feel around my cock, how loud you are about how good I’m making you feel. God, Jihoon, I love y--”

****

Jihoon comes so hard he wakes himself up before he can hear Daniel say the words.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

In waking, Jihoon is thrust into the heavy silence of his dorm room, his own ragged breathing indecently loud in the quiet of the night.

****

He is alone in his bed. No Daniel. No Produce 101. No mind-blowing sex of any kind.

****

He has kicked his covers off of himself and it leaves his bare arms and shins exposed to the chill of the night air. He shivers.

****

What…the everloving fuck _was that?_

****

Woojin appears to be sleeping soundly across the room and Jihoon thanks the divine powers of the universe that his best friend is a heavy sleeper.

****

Because for all Jihoon knows he could have been rutting and gasping in his sleep, shamelessly moaning Daniel's name into his pillow.

****

Heartbeat thudding loud in his no-doubt reddened ears, Jihoon's mind whirs into overdrive in order to do what he does best: rationalise.

****

This isn't the first sex dream Jihoon has ever had and it certainly won't be the last. It's not even the first sex dream he's had about someone he might call a friend. It was nothing special, if a little embarrassing.

****

A dream is all it was, and the fact that Jihoon's evident sexual frustration has chosen to latch onto Daniel of all people- it doesn't mean anything. Franky, it could have been Seongwu or Minhyun or Kim Taehyung, even, and it was just that he'd been spending more time with Daniel of late.

****

It didn't mean anything.

****

Jihoon could almost convince himself of this, if it weren't clear that the real climax of the dream - pun intended - was not a matter of physicality, but was Daniel telling Jihoon that he loved him.

****

That, more than anything else, had been what his dream self had yearned for, and the encounter has left Jihoon too drained to even attempt to pretend that his self in real life doesn't yearn for that too.

****

Yet, in the dream - just as in real life - he'd hadn't succeeded in hearing it.

****

Lying there in the sticky, sweaty aftermath, Jihoon feels gross and increasingly pathetic in spite of the remnants of arousal that still cling to his skin like the ghost of Daniel’s hands and lips on his body. He’s in dire need of a bath if he ever wants to sleep peacefully.

****

In light of what Jihoon is beginning to learn about the state of his feelings for Daniel, if only at the aggressive provocation of his own subconscious, the hard-on he's now sporting is the least of his problems and as he strips down to get into the bath he makes no move to even take care of it.

****

Jihoon stands for a moment as he lets the water run, regarding himself in the mirror, examining almost clinically the soft flesh of his body that dares to want what it can’t have.

****

Guilt pours in, starting as it pools at the tips of his toes, splashing his ankles and filling him up, not unlike the bathtub behind him, until it threatens to spill from his eyes.

****

He tilts his head, trails a finger down the unblemished skin of his throat; over his Adam’s apple where Daniel had left a mark in his dream.

****

He skates his hands over his chest, traces his ribs and his hip bones as they cast shadows in the dull light of the bathroom.

****

Featherlight, he traces a finger over the line of his cock as it curves back against his stomach and watches in morbidly detached fascination as it twitches at the mere insinuation brought on by the touch. In doing so, it merely further smears the come that the planes of his stomach had borne the brunt of. A blatant reminder of the exercise of his thoughts. A shameful brand to mark him as heedlessly unbridled in his selfish desires, though he had denied them all he could.

****

Bile rises in his throat and he welcomes the searing heat of the water as he turns off the tap and slips into the tub. Not hot enough to harm, but enough to cause his skin to tingle and throb; to rob it of old sensory memory, to erase every trace of his previous imaginings.

****

To erase every trace of Daniel.

 

Though, in truth, Daniel had never really been there.

****

He can't bring himself to fit his fist around his cock because ultimately it will be Daniel he thinks about as he comes for the second time in the early hours of the morning. That's too much self-indulgence to be wise, even if the first time had been an unwitting consequence of Jihoon simply wanting to get some sleep.

****

The more it happens - the more he gets off to the thought of Daniel - the harder it will be to see Daniel as who he is, who he should be: a colleague and a friend.

****

Jihoon is smart enough to know when to stop digging his own grave. If possible, he’ll try to avoid even picking up the shovel. That might not stop him from falling to his knees in the dirt, desperately clawing it out with his hands in a moment of weakness ー

****

ー but for now it's the best he can do.

****

As the bath water cools, his erection will eventually go away but Jihoon can't say the same of his feelings, as much as he wishes he could.

****

He’s not sure how long he sits there, navel-gazing in both literal and metaphorical senses of the word.

****

Of course, given Jihoon’s luck it is Daniel who, after a courtesy knock, sticks his head round the door.

****

“Jihoonie? Are you okay?”

****

Daniel is all bleary-eyed and bed-haired, with sleep still clinging to his consciousness. His forehead is furrowed as if he can’t understand why Jihoon is awake at this hour or why he has chosen to take a bath and Daniel is just so adorable, standing there with his PJs and his concern that Jihoon feels his traitor of a heart squeeze in affection.

****

Although the foam is sufficient to mask most of his body from sight, including his Daniel-induced predicament, Jihoon sinks lower into the water until it’s up around his chin, trying not to look at Daniel out of the corner of his eye as the older quietly closes the door and comes to sit cross-legged beside the tub.

****

“Bad dream?”

****

If only he knew.

 

Except Jihoon is glad that he doesn’t, and never will. He’s not sure he could bear the mortification.

****

Yet, some part of him still yearns to tell him; to confide, to confess, to ask forgiveness for what he has coveted. To lay his heart in that lap he had so wished to occupy.

****

Nonetheless he stays silent on the matter. Once broken, that silence is not to be mended and Jihoon would prefer not to deal with picking up the pieces.

****

“Something like that,” he concedes before insisting, “but I’m okay, hyung.” Tentatively, he meets Daniel's eye before looking down again at where his hands are nervously fidgeting with the bath foam.

****

“You’d tell me if you weren’t, though?”

****

As Jihoon goes to nod, probably unconvincingly, he feels the featherlight touch of Daniel stroking his hair. Still half-asleep, Jihoon wouldn’t have blamed Daniel if the action came out a little heavy handed but it’s far from it.

****

Daniel is gentle. Daniel is careful. Jihoon kind of wants to cry.

****

“Okay, baby," Daniel murmurs sleepily, as if far from awake enough to realise exactly what he's said, let alone its effect on Jihoon, who is shifting subtly in the bath water, trying to set his thighs just a little further apart.

****

Then Daniel brushes a strand of hair behind Jihoon’s ear, thumb stroking across his helix. The move is sweet but Jihoon’s whole body flushes hot and cold at the contact. At the sordid memory of what his sleeping mind had conjured. At the imposing reality that a conjuring it would only ever be.

****

Because ー

****

Real Daniel doesn’t look at him the way Dream Daniel did.

****

He never will.

****

Daniel will never want Jihoon in the same way that Jihoon wants him.

****

That’s the reality that Jihoon must cling to for the sake of his sanity; even if it is like a sharpened blade between his fingers, slicing him open, bleeding him dry.

****

Jihoon knows the importance of dreams and he is finally able to see that his have been a warning.

****

A warning not to hope for things that can never be.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading ♡ Constructive criticism is very welcome! xx
> 
> p.s. lmk how many pd101 performance titles I was able to slip in unnoticed during ji's dream


End file.
